It’s recap season once again (for clarity: recap season is pretty much perennial), and this fine day, we’re diving into one of the greatest cinematic contributions of our time: the 2001 rom-com Legally Blonde. No, I am not being sarcastic! This is definitely one of my favorite movies ever, and reading Marlowe Granados’s excellent 2021 essay “The Bimbo’s Laugh” reminded me of the sheer power that the so-called bimbo holds. It’s taken me a long time to learn this lesson, but as protagonist Elle Woods proves, sometimes the hot girl is also nice and smart. Let’s catch up with her antics, shall we?
- In one of my favorite opening scenes of all time, a hottie bikes down Fraternity Row as “Perfect Day” by Hoku plays, off to deliver a good-luck card to Elle, who’s supposed to be getting engaged that night.
- Now I’m stuck in a fantasy of listening to Hoku while I drive to the beach, drinking an iced coffee.
- The pink, bubbly font that the cast’s names appear in is so perfect.
- I know sororities are toxic, but this lifestyle (working out, grooming, hanging with your friends) looks really fun.
- This really is Reese Witherspoon at her best.
- Elle and her girlies go shopping, and Elle completely trounces a snooty salesgirl who dismisses her as a “dumb blonde with Daddy’s plastic.” Also, Vogue gets a name-check. (Hey! That’s us!)
- Elle’s fiancé-to-be, Warner the Douchebag, shows up—cleft in chin and gel in hair—to whisk her to dinner, where he doesn’t propose; he dumps her because he has to “get serious” before heading to Harvard Law. The audacity!
- God, being dumped sucks. Especially when you were planning to become a bride instead (I assume, having not been in this position).
- Now we get to a scene that looks familiar to me: Elle is in her room, crying and binge-eating and watching TV. The girlies drag her out for a pedicure, where she sees Warner the Douchebag’s brother with a categorically Smart Girl in a magazine and forms her plan.
- Elle’s parents, who are Beverly Hills martini-swillers par excellence, don’t believe in her ability to get into Harvard Law, but I do, and not just because I’ve seen this movie maybe 60 times before.
- The girlies are appalled to see Elle studying for the LSATs, but then they get on board, helping her make a brilliant video application essay (in bikinis, natch) and timing her on practice tests while they work out. I love friendship!
- Not Elle getting a 179 on her LSAT! :)
- The extremely stuffy and horny admissions committee votes Elle in, and just like that, she’s Harvard-bound.
- Everyone at Harvard is mean to Elle because she’s hot and wears pink (especially a straight-out-of-central-casting lesbian stereotype named Enid), but she doesn’t care, because she’s here for her man.
- Well, that exuberance didn’t last long, because even though Elle got into Harvard Law (“What, like it’s hard?”), Warner the Douchebag has moved on to Selma Blair, arguably the apotheosis of my “type,” who is not too fond of Elle. Ugh.
- Hey, it’s Holland Taylor! She plays a dragon-lady professor who kicks Elle out of class for not doing the reading, but luckily, that’s when Elle meets cutie-cutester Luke Wilson, an older law student who gives her tips on how to survive Harvard.
- Hey, it’s Jennifer Coolidge, queen of The White Lotus and of my heart! She’s a nail tech at the manicure salon Elle arrives at in high dudgeon, and the two quickly bond over loving their dogs and hating men.
- Hey, it’s Victor Garber! He plays a slimy-ish professor in whose class Elle throws down the gauntlet: She’s going to fight Selma Blair, and she’s going to win.
- Imagine being one of the other law students in this year, just watching a bimbo and an ice queen dominate class time to go at it.
- Selma Blair refuses to let Elle join her and Warner the Douchebag’s study group, and to make matters worse, she spreads rumors that Elle is homophobic. Not cute.
- One of Elle’s girlies back in California is getting married!
- Selma Blair invites Elle to a party, telling her to come in costume, so Elle shows up as a Playboy bunny. Unfortunately, everyone else is just dressed as an early-aughts Harvard nerd, though Elle does get a good diss in, telling Selma Blair, “When I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.” Never mess with a sorority girl!
- In line to buy a tangerine clamshell iMac (ah, 2001), Elle runs into Luke Wilson again, and he spurs her to get her study on. Girlboss montage time!
- Suddenly, Elle is crushing questions in class and reading dense law texts while getting her hair done with Jennifer Coolidge. We love to multitask.
- Harnessing her lawyer-to-be powers for good, Elle helps Jennifer Coolidge get custody of her beloved dog back from her grody ex. She also does so in an adorable and clearly unnecessary pair of glasses.
- Sperm fight time! Let me elaborate: Elle squares off against Warner the Douchebag in a class discussion about sperm donors’ visitation rights, and wins. It’s triumphant and excellent.
- Boom! Elle is chosen for Victor Garber’s prestigious internship on a high-profile murder case, as are Selma Blair and Warner the Douchebag.
- God, Elle is so classy for being nice to Selma Blair. I would let her rot, personally.
- The defendant (hey, it’s Ali Larter!) is not only a fitness guru accused of murdering her husband, but also a member of Elle’s sorority, so clearly she’s good people.
- Elle’s defense of Ali Larter: “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy! Happy people don’t shoot their husbands.” Fair enough.
- Ah, the Bend and Snap: In an attempt to help Jennifer Coolidge woo a cute UPS guy, Elle teaches her (and the entire salon) an ass-presenting move guaranteed to ensnare any man.
- Ali Larter tearfully confesses her secret alibi to Elle: She was having liposuction, which would damage her credibility as a fitness queen who can “make you lose three pounds in one class.” Elle won’t give her up even when pressed, because Sorority Above All.
- Elle and Selma Blair form a very tenuous bond based on Victor Garber being hugely sexist to both of them, and they even complain about Warner the Douchebag, who—gasp!—got into Harvard off the waitlist.
- On Day One of the court proceedings, Ali Larter’s former pool boy testifies that he had an affair with her, but Elle proves that he’s gay based on the fact that he correctly identifies her shoe brand as Prada. I sort of don’t buy that homosexuality and heterosexuality being A) fixed or B) mutually exclusive are legally binding, but hey, it’s a win for Elle, so I’ll take it.
- Ugh, I hate this part: Victor Garber makes a pass at Elle, and she rejects him, but Selma Blair misinterprets their exchange and is super-mean about it.
- Now this part, I love: Elle is tearfully telling Jennifer Coolidge at the nail salon that she’s going to quit, but Holland Taylor overhears and tells her, “If you’re going to let one stupid prick ruin your life, you’re not the girl I thought you were.” Title IX his sorry ass!
- Elle shows up to the courtroom, dressed in all pink (duh) and representing Ali Larter with Luke Wilson’s help.
- Thanks to her overwhelming knowledge of perm care, Elle is able to prove that Ali Larter’s stepdaughter (a very sulky Linda Cardellini) actually shot her own father, thinking she was shooting Ali Larter. Boom! Gavel! Case closed!
- Two years later, Elle is giving the Harvard Law commencement address; she’s a boss, she’s dating Luke Wilson (in fact, they’re about to get engaged), and Holland Taylor is her mentor. Selma Blair is now her BFF, and Warner the Douchebag has no job prospects. Ha.
- This movie comes with a very powerful moral: Never, ever underestimate a hottie.
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