*From the GQ archive: To mark the release of
Alan Partridges' memoirs, GQ.COM remember when Piers Morgan met Steve Coogan.
**
**Cocaine? Lap dancers? The father of Courtney Love's baby?
There's no cocoa before bed for the creator of comedy's biggest loser, Alan Partridge. And where to find Britain's best comedian-cum-late-night Lothario? Down South, of course, where people are a bit more 'sophisticated'. *
The last time I saw Steve Coogan he was sitting on a large, luxurious red sofa being fawned over by a group of very beautiful women.
Nothing odd there given his new status as a Hollywood movie star. Except that he was in Stringfellows strip club, in London, it was 4am, he was blind drunk and the four admiring ladies were all naked lap dancers who he was showering with endless bundles of cash. Nothing, again you might think, massively wrong with that either. Except, perhaps, that he had been ditched by his new wife only months before, after confessing to a sex and drugs romp with two other lap dancers in a London hotel. A cataclysmic event that might cause even the most louche of men to rethink their behaviour.
But then, Steve Coogan has never been an ordinary bloke.
A brilliant comedian, arguably one of the two or three best in the country, he's also clever. Very, very clever. And like many smart, funny performers he has a massive problem leaving a cheering hysterical audience and heading home for a cup of cocoa and an early night with the wife.
I have always found him both professionally and personally hilarious. Others are less enraptured. But whatever your view, there is no denying that Steve Coogan has given all of us some of the biggest laughs of the past 15 years, on and off the screen - from his comic genius character Alan Partridge to his recent real-life romance with rock chick Courtney Love.
We met again for this interview at the excruciatingly trendy Century Club in London's Soho, he ordered two glasses of wine, and for the next two hours we discussed Courtney, cocaine and comedy, his new movie - appropriately titled A Cock And Bull Story - and all the other weird and wonderful things that engage one of the finest tabloid celebrities (and God, will he hate me calling him that) this country has ever produced.
**Piers Morgan: Your new movie, Tristram Shandy: A Cock And Bull Story, is based on the legendary novel,
The Life And Opinions Of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman, the one everyone said could never be turned into a film. I watched it last night and everyone was wrong, you can. And very entertainingly. Had you read the book?**
Steve Coogan: No, and I still haven't, actually. I know the substance of it, though. All you really need to know is that it's a meandering shaggy dog, cock and bull story.
It's just a funny film, and it doesn't matter whether you've read the book at all. It's the essence of the book which matters, and that is there.
You and Rob Brydon play yourselves for much of the film, and appear to get on really well, albeit with a slight edge to the rapport.
Yes, well, Rob was supposed to be playing a rather deferential role, a bit subservient to me. But Rob couldn't find it in himself to do that and just preferred to take the piss out of me instead.
So I reluctantly agreed. I didn't have much choice, really. He was adamant.
You are quite similar comic creatures really, aren't you?
Yeah, except that I am a lot better looking, obviously.
Were you good at stand-up?
Quite, yes. But I didn't like it. I did the circuit 15 years ago with Eddie Izzard, Frank Skinner, Jack Dee, David Baddiel.
Are you the only one of those still drinking?
Erm... er... Frank's not... Jack's not...don't know about Eddie...
Baddiel definitely is, isn't he?
Probably. What is it about comics and alcoholic...
...And alcoholic excess?
Yes.
Erm, well I think comics generally...by which I mean obliquely me... [laughs]... I know what you're doing, Morgan. [Laughs loudly] I think we lead odd lives where you need to avoid boredom by being a social animal. You get spoiled because you have the artificial experience of an audience, if you do well, giving you this huge wave of adulation which is not real but feels like it is.
Why is it artificial? I saw you live once and it was bloody hilarious.
SC Well, I suppose what I mean is that it is not an experience that most people have. Comedy is unique in the sense that laughter is a palpable noise that everyone makes. If you are a great dramatic actor then you often don't know if people are enjoying your stuff at all because they are sitting there in silence. But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't.
Does it also depend on geography?
Oh yes, definitely. I have a theory about this. In places where there is a strong sense of identity such as Birmingham, Manchester, Newcastle, Glasgow they are always up for it. They wear their hearts on their sleeves and let you know exactly how they are feeling, and that is great. You know where you are. But Southend and Watford were awful. They did laugh, but not in the same way.
There was a general lack of enthusiasm in those places. And it's probably because you never hear someone say they are proud to come from Southend or Watford, whereas you do with those other places.
London audiences are tricky, too. They don't laugh as much as the Northern audiences because, and I hate to say this, they are a bit cleverer normally, and they are picking up on all the little details and listening more carefully. They are more sophisticated.
It's all about the commas and full stops down South...
When you have done a particularly fantastic gig, how does it feel?
Well, you don't want to go home. I bound up the stairs afterwards like an Olympic athlete and I just want to go out and continue the fun.
How much fun do you have, Steve?
Erm... well I do this [points to his glass of white wine] but I don't do the other any more [makes a signal to suggest a white substance]. I used to take it a lot because I needed to feed that creative spark in me, I guess. I was badly behaved during my last London run, definitely.
How badly?
Erm... well... erm... you know... I couldn't remember how good a night I had had. I would end up God knows where...
Stringfellows, perhaps?
Yeah, well I met you there once, didn't I?
You did, mate, yes. I was there for journalistic research purposes obviously. What was your excuse?
Well, I wasn't there to do any lap dancing for you, and I won't be doing any today, either. [Laughs] No, look, I'd drink a lot, take drugs and get out of it.
When did you first take drugs?
Oh, I don't know, when I was 22 or something. Bit of dope, but it didn't do a lot for me. I found out quite quickly that I preferred a more class-A kind of stimulant. I just found it sort of carried on the buzz you got on stage. You stayed on this amazing high for a bit longer.
Do you look back on it as your drugs hell, as we tabloid people love to call it?
No. I don't want to start banging on about how cool drugs are, that's just as annoying as the Daily Mail saying anyone that takes them is as evil as social workers and the euro. I don't give a stuff about whether someone like David Cameron took drugs, and people shouldn't give a stuff if I did either, because it's nobody else's f***ing business, is it?
Well, it's illegal, though, isn't it?
It is illegal, yes. But so is doing 80mph on the motorway.
Generally speaking, drugs are not good. Do they help you? Not really. But let's put it in perspective: Aldous Huxley got a good novel out of them. I don't like talking about this because my drug-taking is well-documented. I mean, I've done a bit of shagging around as well in my time... let's get onto that, shall we?
Well, I wasn't going to mention that, obviously...
Yeah, right! I am not a politician going around bragging about family values or putting myself on some ridiculous virtuous pedestal. I write comedy. And I am an actor. I am not here to solve the nation's problems. I don't actually spend my life in the way the tabloids like to think I do. I actually spend 95 per cent of it writing comedy. Sober. Well, nearly sober anyway.
You're like Jordan, really, aren't you? A misunderstood person who only misbehaves once in a while but has
a terrible reputation.
Definitely! [Looks like he believes it, too] Look, I'm not Mother Teresa. But I'm not Frank Bough, either. I am getting older and a bit more sensible. I'm not going to be popping up in dungeons every six months. If you catch me preaching fidelity while I am shagging chickens then throw the book at me. Otherwise, leave me alone.
In the movie you are threatened with exposure by a lap dancer selling her story to a tabloid. Isn't it a strange thing to put in the film given your recent past and desire to be left alone by the press?
It was the writer's idea and it was risky but I thought, "Why not?"
Take the stuff with Courtney Love, for example. I was more fed up with people texting me saying, "Are you all right?" than I was by anything else. Of course I was all right. I wasfine. Just go away all of you.
How true was the Courtney story, then? [In August, it was reported that Courtney Love was expecting Coogan's baby.]
Some of it was true, most of it was bollocks. To borrow the title of the film, it was 20 per cent cock, and 80 per cent bull. There is an issue about privacy.
What is the issue about privacy?
The issue is that if you set your stall out in a certain way and lead a rather different life, then fair enough, you bring it on yourself. For example, I have a young daughter who I am only going to mention once in this interview, out of respect for her. Now I could, like some celebrities do, use her to paint a picture of myself as some kind of wholesome figure. But that is playing a game. I don't need to convince anyone that I am like that. Those who need to know, know. And if people want to think of me as some sort of twat, then so what? I've got enough friends who don't think that. I don't get free kitchens fromHello! either, that's a dangerous game to play.
So you don't have any sympathy for people like the Beckhams, then, who do that kind of thing?
No, I do actually. Although I do understand that they play that game a bit. It's usually the other people in your life who it bothers most. Family and friends get more upset than I do. Having said that, tabloids are able to popularise unpopular issues by marrying them with titillation. And that is quite a useful tool.
They can reach a huge audience through the trousers-down stuff and make other serious and important points.
You and Courtney were described as the most gruesome couple since Eddie Murphy and Mariah Carey. Thoughts?
[Explodes with mixture of horror and laughter] Erm, I think enough has now been written about all that to satisfy the public.
No it hasn't. Come on, there are lots of unanswered questions, Steve. Time to 'fess up, mate.
All right. All right. I... know... her...quite well. [Starts to cough]
You're choking on your pigeon salad, Steve.
That brings back a few memories. [Cackles like Sid James] I'm not saying any more about it.
Were you a Nirvana fan?
You can't shake it off, can you? How long have you been out of that
Mirror job?
You never lose it. Come on...
Well, yeah, I was, as it happens. A big Nirvana fan.
Was that all part of the... er... appeal?
[Groans] No. No.
Come on, you're supposed to be a comic, you must be able to see the funny side of all this, surely?
Of course I can. And how clever was it to serve Fleet Street this little morsel in the middle of the silly season? Jesus Christ...
Look, just trawl through all the old cuttings and cobble some shit together like you always used to...
It's not my fault you slept with Courtney Love, nor that this means you will be asked about her until you die.
I could have shagged someone more famous...
She was apparently upset to discover she had had sex with Alan Partridge.
[Laughs] All parties involved were fully aware of all issues before anything happened.
So she knew about your Nirvana collection and the fact that you are Alan Partridge?
She knew who I was, I knew who she was. Let's leave it at that. I'm just a good Catholic boy - I do naughty things and feel guilty about them.
Did you get her pregnant, then? You can confess and repent at the same time if you like.
No, I didn't. I know that for a fact.
How?
I'm not telling you, but it's a fact. And since the source for that story was Ms Courtney Love, can I suggest the papers find more reliable sources in future?
Is she a fantasist, then?
Let's just say she has certain issues...As have I.
Do you regret it? It's unfortunate it all came out when you have a movie launching called A Cock And Bull Story...
Actually, I thought the two things dovetailed quite well.
[Laughs]
Marketing ploy, then?
No, but if it works on that level...
Do you hate being on the front pages of the papers?
I used to react terribly badly but I'm more philosophical now.
Probably because I am older. I am not in denial, I suppose. I am not the kind of guy who goes digging holes in Africa. OK, all right, deal with it, fine. I'm a single guy now and can do what I like. As my agent said, so long as it's not a live man or a dead woman, I'll be fine. And that, hand on heart, is unlikely to happen.
Do you regret your short-lived marriage ending the way it did, being caught romping in a hotel with two lap dancers and a load of drugs?
I don't know... I don't talk about my ex-wife because she doesn't want me to, which is fair enough.
Your first real sex scandal involved lap dancers too - you were accused of taking one to bed and spreading loadsof cash all over it before you had sex with her.
Yeah. I was being ironic. Unfortunately she had no ironic side to her.
How much was it?
About £10,000.
In fifties?
It was, yes. The taxman got his score, don't worry.
What is it about you and lap dancers?
What is it with you and lap dancers, Piers?
Well, on the few occasionsI have ever frequented that kind of establishment I haven't taken them home with me, which appears to be your particular problem, Steve.
Can't we talk about the creative process of my comedy work?
**I'm afraid not, no. **
I just don't want to be defined by lap dancers, drugs and Courtney Love, OK? I read the Guardian, like the new size even though it still irritates me just as much as it used to. And I am therefore aware that there just may be more important issues in the world than my trouser-dropping.
Do the public always run up to you and shout "A-ha!" in an annoying way?
They do, but I like it. At least they are not screaming stuff about lap dancers. And I am very proud of Alan. I like the British public. There is something in this country called tall poppy syndrome. You're good but you're not that good, pal, OK? The natural state of our nation is slightly miserable, and probably the healthier for it. In America you don't get a key down the side of your Bentley...
To be fair, though, they always like a shamed celebrity who bounces back.
Yes they do, and I am in fact hoping to bounce back quite soon, as it happens.
Didn't you have some sort of makeover in the States?
Well, I had my teeth done, because they were crap, and I started going to the gym and lost about a stone and a half. They also made me wear fake tan when I was playing a gay bloke in a film. That's what they do apparently. I know it all sounds very vain but you do not want to see your own flab on a giant screen, trust me. I had a flat stomach for two days and it was great. I'm getting fat again now but at least I am happy.
Do you like American humour?
There are pockets of great humour there like Larry Sanders, and a lot of shit, but then we have that too.
Like what?
Well the Carry On... films, for starters. They were absolute rubbish. Antiquated shite. Yet everyone always goes on about how terribly funny they were.
What makes you laugh on British TV?
The Office was fantastic, brilliant. And such a clever ending. Much of our comedy is about victimisation and abuse. But that Christmas special ending was so warm, and it worked so well.
It reminded me of the best episodes of Cheers where it moves you and makes you laugh. Porridge used to do that.
Nice, warm humour amid all the cynical stuff. Little Britain is great now, too. I could sit there with my father watching that and we both laughed a lot - it was so accessible because it was not trying to be cool or hip.
It was just funny. Just good sketches and gags.
Any new Alans in the pipeline?
I have got a new character coming actually, an ex-roadie called Tom Saxondale who is now a pest-control officer. He is a bit like Alan, only funnier. The joke was always at the expense of Alan, whereas Tom is genuinely witty while still being a dick.
Is it true you turned down £1m to make a Partridge ad for McDonald's?
I did, yeah. I wish I'd bloody done it now. It's a lot of money, isn't it? My decision wasn't entirely philanthropic or magnanimous.
I mean, I made sure I leaked it so everyone knew and I got lots of good publicity out of it. I just thought it would leave a bad taste in the mouths of my real fans who like the kind of comedy I do and probably don't like McDonald's.
How rich are you?
Not as rich as Ricky Gervais or David Walliams. I'm worth a few million on paper but I can't get my hands on most of it unless I die, which I am not planning on doing.
Do you feel pressure to be funny all the time when you are out?
Yes, people come up to me in supermarkets and demand humour. And the less amusing I am, the more they piss themselves. So I say, "I'm doing my shopping, mate, OK?" and the guy will be on the floor in hysterics. Quite odd. Eventually I do have to say something funny so I usually go for something pathetic like, "It's a nice place to shop but I wouldn't like to live here!" and they roar again. Wet themselves. I'm lucky though that I am not massively famous, I can get the Tube without much bother. Must be awful being the Beckhams, mustn't it? I never had any desire to be famous for the sake of it. I find people who do really sad. I genuinely feel sorry for them because there is nothing of substancein their lives.
I am happy when I am writing or performing. Not when I sit there being "famous". I like recognition for my work, but not recognition for being "that bloke off the telly". It is genuinely humbling when a woman comes up to me, as someone did recently, to say she wanted to commit suicide after her husband died, and my show cheered her up and made her feel better. That's great.
Who is the best stand-up you have worked with?
Oh, Frank Skinner. He was just brilliant. I made the huge mistake of touring with him when he was relatively unknown, and I was supposedly the big name. He blew me off stage every night. It was a very un-PC act but bloody funny. He used to tell these shockingly coarse gags then instantly apologise.
Great trick. And he got away with it. He was smart and a great guy to work with, very generous with his time. I think that Peter Kay is pretty good, despite his reputation...
What reputation? For being difficult?
I didn't say that. But he has a great talent for making the audience think he is one of them, which is something I have never been able to do. Billy Connolly used to have that way about him, too; they make you think you are in the pub having a laugh together.
Who is the biggest prat you have met in showbusiness?
Ooh, now you're asking. Erm...Christ... there are a few of them out there.. let me think... Gosh... Tell you what, let me go to the loo and have a think. [He returns] Paul Daniels. But, to be honest, I'd rather debunk someone not so easy to hit. Know what I mean?
You did a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan recently that involved all of you having **a sauna together.
Enjoy it?**
[Laughs, a little nervously] Erm... Well, I think we all have a slightly gay gene inside us, don't we? It might be 0.00001 per cent as mine is, or one per cent as yours is, Piers. I remember sitting there, all of us naked, and I thought, "What the hell do we talk about?" So I said to Arnie, "Are you still driving your Hummer, Arnold?" And he said, "Yah - I have five. I got them from the military and I like to drive them around LA." Then he started talking about the Special Olympics and said, "It's like the normal Olympics, only for retarded people." And I thought, "Hmm, well, what do you say to that?"
You turned 40 this year, like me, didn't you?
Yes, and I feel all right about it actually. I am lucky to be in a profession that is not age dependent.
If you are not hell-raising any more, how did you celebrate your 40th?
With a few pints of real ale.
Very Alan Partridge.
Yes, but it really does taste good and you can't get trashed on bitter. I really miss it when I am away. A nice pint of flat, warm bitter - lovely.
For the benefit of all your tabloid fans, can you reassure them that you won't completely abandon your sex-drugs-lap-dancing side in this bizarre pursuit of calm middle age?
I would rather not slip up now I have got myself back on the straight and narrow path of righteousness. But can I rule out a relapse in the future? [Very long theatrical sigh] Watch this space!
Originally published in the January 2006 issue of British GQ.
