DIABOLIK LOVERS LUNATIC PARADE Sofmap Tokuten Drama CD ”This Afternoon at 3 PM, a Certain Parade Commences ~The Gorgeous Waiter~”
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Original title: 午後３時、とあるパレードの一幕～華麗なるウェイター～
Source:　Diabolik Lovers LUNATIC PARADE Sofmap Tokuten Drama CD
Audio: Here
Seiyuu: Kaji Yuki & Kishio Daisuke
Translator’s note: It is no secret that Kanato - aka the purple gremlin - is not my favorite character but I absolutely love him in combination with Azusa because it makes for such good, chaotic fun. This CD is no different and might be my favorite of the Lunatic Parade Tokuten series. Azusa and his dry statements combined with Kanato trying his best not to absolutely lose his mind as a result makes for some A+ comedy. I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to be a customer at the cake store on that specific day, haha.

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Azusa: Sorry…for the wait…Here’s your royal milk tea…and the limited-time-only mille-feuille. 

*Thud* 

Azusa: …

*Cling* 

Azusa: Well then…Please take your time. 

Azusa walks away again. 

Kanato: Haahー… Why do I have to work as a waiter? Just when I thought I could enjoy my time at the Parade…It should be me on that seat enjoying a mille-feuille instead!

Azusa: Kanato-san…Let’s try our best together? 

Kanato: Hah? And why exactly? I don’t see why I would do that. 

Azusa: Well…We have to work here to compensate…for the shop’s showcase table…which you destroyed in a fit of rage…

Kanato: No, no, you’re completely twisting reality there. None of this would have happened if you didn’t feel the need to try and sprinkle shichimi-spice on my cake. In other words, I’m not at fault here! ーー Azusa, you’re to blame. 

Azusa: Eh? Oh…

Kanato: With that being said, I’m heading home now. It would be pure torture to have to stay here and be surrounded by different kinds of cake, yet not being able to eat any of them myself. 

Azusa stops him from leaving. 

*Rustle* 

Kanato: …!? 

Azusa: You can’t…Come on…Let’s take this job seriously…Kanato-san…

Kanato: Don’t tug onto my sleeve! You’ll wrinkle the fabric!

*Rustle rustle* 

Azusa: But if I don’t do this…You’ll make a run for it, won’t you…? So I refuse…to let go…Besides…Eve told me…If you cause trouble for others…You have to properly reflect on your actions… 

Kanato: Eve…? Ahー You’re talking about her. I mean, that definitely sounds like the kind of hypocritic nonsense she’d preach. Still, that’s none of my conceーー 

*Rustle* 

Azusa: …

Kanato: …!? E-Excuse me!? Are you trying to break my arm!? 

Azusa: I mean…You were saying some awfully mean things about Eve…I believe we should take her advice to heart, Kanato-san…

*Rustle rustle* 

Kanato: …F-Fine! I’ll work, okay!? 

*Rustle* 

Azusa: I’m glad to hear that…Well then…I’ll teach you the ropes, okay? First up…

*Rustle* 

Azusa: Here you go. You have to wear…your uniform. 

*Rustle* 

Kanato: What is the meaning behind this lame apron? Are you making fun of me…? 

Azusa: Eh? But the bear print on it is really cute…

Kanato: That’s exactly what makes it lame…!!

Azusa forces him to wear the apron. 

*Rustle rustle* 

Kanato: …C-Cut it out! My arm’s not supposed to bend that way…!

*Rustle rustle*

Azusa: Huh…? How do you make a butterfly knot again…? Let me think…

*Rustle rustle*

Azusa: Like this…? 

Kanato: No! It’s like this, see!? I’ll do it myself, okay!? 

*Rustle rustle*

Kanato: I’ll fix yours as well while I’m at it. Come on, turn around. 

Azusa: Eh? But…

Kanato: The loops of your bow are pointing upwards because you tied it the wrong way. It had been bothering me this whole time. So no buts and just let me fix it. 

*Rustle rustle*

Azusa: Oh…Thank you…You’re pretty impressive, Kanato-san…

Kanato: …!! …Ahー God…Why am I looking out for this guy…? 

Azusa: Come on, Kanato-san…Smile…

Kanato: Haah!? What exactly about this situation would make me smile!? 

Azusa: But…If you make a scary face like that…You’ll frighten the customers…

Kanato: So what!? They’re only in my way anyway! They should just all head home right here, right now! Fufu…Perhaps I shouldn’t stop at the showcase table this time, but destroy the whole store instead? Then they won’t be able to force me to work in return. Besides, Father could easily compensate for the store if I were to ask him. 

Azusa: I wonder…? Do you really think…he’d forgive us that easily…? Besides…You have Reiji-san to worry about as well…

Kanato: …

Azusa: Don’t worry… The Manager said that he’ll forgive us…as long as we make it through one day without any issues…There aren’t too many customers in the store right now either…So let’s practice? I’ve been working for about one hour already…So I’ll teach you the ins and outs… 

Kanato: Haah…? Why do I have to get tutored by you? 

Azusa: But…You don’t want to get punished any worse, do you…? 

Kanato: Kuh…Fine…Just this one time, do you understand? 

Azusa: Well then, Kanato-san…Please repeat after me, okay…? After taking the customer’s order, you come back here…Then head towards the kitchen and say the following: ‘A crepe cake and hot coffee for table three…!’ 

Kanato: …

Azusa: Um…Did I go too fast? I’ll repeat one more time then…(speaks extra slow) ’‘A crepe cake and…Um…a hot coーー

Kanato: Ahー God! Could you speak any slower!? ‘A crepe cake and hot coffee for table three’, there!? 

Azusa: Oh…Wow, Kanato-san…You sound incredibly motivated…!

Kanato: I’m not…You’re just exceptionally bad at this…

Azusa: Anyway, now you know how to pass the orders to the kitchen. Let’s go to the next step, okay? Afterwards…You have to carry the cake from the kitchen to the customer’s table…But before you do that, I recommend you put a little of this on top…

*Sprinkle sprinkle* 

Kanato: Hey, Azusa…May I ask what you’re doing…?

Azusa: As a secret technique to make it even more delicious…I’m putting on some shichimi-spice…

Kanato: No…That doesn’t make any sense, does it? In what world do shichimi-spice and whipped cream go together!? 

Azusa: Eh? You think so? But…

Azusa takes a bite of the cake. 

Azusa: …Mmh! It’s good!

*Rustle*

Kanato: Excuse me!? Don’t just eat someone else’s order! I’ve been trying my best over here to hold back this whole time!

Azusa: Oh…I did it without thinking…Sorry…Um…Would you like a bite as well? 

Kanato: No thank you! There’s no way a spicy cake could be delicious!

Azusa: Really…? What a shame…

Kanato: Anyway, you were supposed to teach me stuff, weren’t you? Hurry up and get it over with. 

Azusa: Mmh. Well then…Let’s try and actually bring this cake to its table. 

Kanato: Hah? But there’s been a bite taken out of it. 

Azusa: Don’t worry…We’re only practicing right now. 

Kanato: Ahー Is that so? 

Azusa: You put the plate with the cake on the tray… 

*Cling* 

Azusa: And then you have to set the coffee…You use this coffee grinder to grind the beans. Kanato-san…Why not give it a try? 

Kanato: I don’t want to. It’s just a test run so I can just pretend I did it, can’t I? 

Azusa: You can’t. This machine is pretty tricky to use, you see? Come on…Give it a try. Hey? Hurry…

Kanato: …Fine! I just have to do it, right!? …This is obviously a piece of cake. All I’ve got to do is spin the handle after all. 

Kanato starts grinding up the coffee beans. 

Kanato: Excuse me…? Why does it stop…? 

Azusa: One of the beans might have gotten stuck…You have to spin it a little slower…

Kanato: Could you not point out mistakes in my technique? Ahー God…All of this is just pissing me off…! Move already…! Move…! Aah!!

Azusa: Ah!

*Thud* 

*Splat* 

Kanato: …

Azusa: Ah…Hey…Are you okay…? 

Kanato: Hey…My apron is covered in that weird mixture of shichimi-spice and whipped cream…

Azusa: Eh? But, that’s…because you tried to force the handle to spin when it was stuck…

Kanato: Shut up! Are you trying to say it’s my own fault!? You’re the one who told me to spin it!

Azusa: K-Kanato-san…Calm down!

Kanato: Shut up! Not another word!! I’m done with this! I’m going home!

Azusa: Y-You can’t…! Wait!

*Rustle rustle* 

Kanato: Let me go, Azusa! I’ve reached my limit!!

Someone enters the store. 

Azusa: But…L-Look! We’ve got a customer! So let’s at least greet them! …Welcoーー

*Rustle rustle*

Azusa: Ah…! Kanato-san…!

Kanato walks away.

Kanato: Hah! You go ahead and do that if that’s what you wiー 

He bumps into the customer. 

*Thud* 

Kanato: …Excuse me!? You’re in the way!! …Eh!? 

Azusa: Kanato-san…! That’s no way to talk to a customer…!

Azusa runs up to the two of them. 

Azusa: …Eh? Eve…? Why are you here…? 

You explain. 

Azusa: Ah…You were worried about us…? …Thank you. But unfortunately…Kanato-san was just about to leave…

Kanato: That’s not true. I’ll actually do my job. 

Azusa: Eh? 

Kanato: Why do you seem so surprised, Azusa? 

Azusa: I mean…Your statement is not adding up with what you said earlier…Also, how come you suddenly seem in a better mood now that Eve is here…? You were so upset earlier…

Kanato: I’m not upset at all. I was just trying to take a small break, that’s all. Say, Azusa, don’t you think you’re losing your ability to think straight because you’ve been making one mess-up after the other? I’m completely exhausted as a result…Honestly, I’m so glad you’re here now. 

Azusa: What are you…saying…? You’re the one…who hasn’t been doing a proper joーー 

Kanato: I’ve been doing exactly what was expected of me but take a look at this apron! Azusa spilled cake all over it! Would you please wipe it off? You have a handkerchief with you, don’t you? Oh, and while you’re here now anyway, why not enjoy some cake as well? I’ll be so kind as to take your order. 

Azusa: Wait…! Eve…Kanato is spouting a bunch of lies…Besides…I’ll take your oder, okay? ーー Come on. 

*Rustle* 

Azusa: This way…I’ll show you the best seat. 

Kanato: Now don’t try to one-up me! I’m the one who reached out to her first! Why don’t you go and make yourself useful by cleaning up the coffee grinder?

Azusa: And I believe you should go get changed…I’ll make sure to take her order in the meantime. 

Kanato: Hah? She can take care of that. …Say, you’d just love to make yourself useful to me, don’t you? 

Azusa: …

*Rustle rustle* 

Azusa: You can’t…Eve is the one thing…I won’t let you have. I’ll be the one…showing her to her table!

*Rustle* 

Kanato: Excuse me!? I’m the only one who’s allowed to touch her! You’re in the way!

Azusa: I can’t do that. …It’s impossible.

You try to calm both of them down.

Kanato: I never asked for your opinion! This is between the two of us!

Azusa: Our honor and pride as men depends on this. We need to make it clear who exactly you belong to, right here, right now…

Kanato: In that case, I shall use my fangs to show you the answer to that question immediately.

Azusa: Oh no…My fangs are the only ones she enjoys. She’s not interested in yours. …Right, isn’t that true, Eve…? 

You back away. 

Azusa: Don’t worry…No need to run away…I promise I’ll keep you safe from Kanato-san…

Kanato: You’re getting that wrong, Azusa. She’s afraid of you. …Hey, isn’t that right? 

Both of them corner you. 

Kanato & Azusa: You’ll choose me, won’t you? 

*Rustle* 

You make a run for it. 

Kanato: Excuse me!? Where are you going…!? 

Kanato chases after you, leaving the store.

Azusa: Waitー! Don’t run…!!

Azusa follows suit, leaving the store as well. 

*Thud* 

ーー THE END ーー

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