Who Else Thinks ‘The Lion King’s Lions Are Hella Hot?

With the premiere of its new CGI-intensive Lion King, the giant has added another “live action” adaptation of one of its own classics, thus completing the self-referential ouroboros of profit-driven nostalgia. This new Lion King is destined to reawaken all the same echo chamber internet rants that always happen when Disney reboots anything — complaints about the original being better, rebuttals from new fans, painstaking reevaluations trying to prove the 1994 original wasn’t that great. It’s all exhausting and more than a bit redundant. So why waste time talking about the vicious circle of capitalism that’s slowly snuffing out original thought in Hollywood?

Instead, let’s talk about what really matters: The original lions in The Lion King were hella hot. As for these new lions? There’s nothing the least bit sexy about these CGI beasts. And that loss of hotness kinda sucks.

I’m not weird for having this take. Well, maybe I am a bit, but Disney has a long history of making its animals low-key babes. Just check out 1973’s Robin Hood:

That fox has legs for days, a perfect skinny guy chest, and a sense of swagger that just won’t quit. Just look at that cocky smile. If he walked into a bar and offered to buy you a drink, you may be confused (why is there a talking cartoon fox in this bar???) but you wouldn’t refuse. No wonder he ends up with Maid Marian, the only other strangely attractive mammal in this world filled with silly and bumbling animals. The two are literally, and metaphorically, foxes.

And just because The Lion King‘s lions walked on four legs instead of two that doesn’t mean that Disney scaled back their sex appeal. Look of this image of Simba and Scar:

How does Scar, this movie’s resident bad guy, look? Malnourished, scarred (duh), and mangy with a forgettably slick black mane. Now how does our boy Simba stroll through life? With a strong jawline, high cheekbones, traditionally expressive eyebrows, and a hairstyle that would make Ewan McGregor jealous. That’s without even touching on Matthew Broderick’s equally vulnerable, wistful, and dare I say smoking hot voice-acting performance.

Right away, Disney wanted us to know that in the lion world, Simba is a babe, and you know what? They got their point across. Not only is Simba traditionally attractive based on human standards, we know he’s attractive in this world. Why else would Nala give him sex eyes?

That expression means one thing and one thing only: Those lions want to go at it, and the movie wants us to root for them.

These new photo-realistic lions may be voiced by objectively hot people like Donald Glover and Beyoncé. But they’re not the same. They’re not hot; they’re just lions. And I think deep in their too realistic, soulless eyes they know.

For decades, Disney has utilized the same trope: good people are pretty. And those two animated lions, unlike their “realistic” current interpretations, are pretty as hell. Yes, it’s strange in retrospect that a children’s movie encourages its audience to think about two animals getting down and dirty. And yes, the pretty equals good dynamic is a problematic trope. But you know what these sexy lions have encouraged? Late night conversations about who the hottest Disney animal is, and probably a few questionable sexual awakenings. That cringe-worthy messiness is what we call life, my friend. That’s what Disney’s hot lions gave us.

Where to stream The Lion King